To me, single means safety and relationship equals dangerous. different ways, both codependency and counter-dependency are products of fear. You either feel like a stage-five clinger or a robot void of the ability to feel. As a result, we fail to create meaningful relationships. The counter-dependent usually finds a codependent and/or other substances or behaviors to fill the void . Webster's Dictionary defines it as "determined or conditioned by another; If you are counter-dependent, you will go to great lengths to avoid James's relationship with his parents could be summed up by one word: cordial.
We have flipped the coin to counter-dependency. Some of us present codependence to the world. But, if we were really honest with ourselves, we would see that we have also acted from counter-dependence at times.
You Deserve A Break… Ester Hicks gives suggestions about harmful relationships that will really cause you to pause…and think. If this does nothing else but whet your appetite for more Abraham Hicks then we have done our job!
When the person we are caring for does not respond like we want them to, we get angry. This brings us to the second part of the triangle called the perpetrator or counter-dependent role.
The Opposite of CoDependency: Counter-dependency and Love Avoidance | The Center for Life Change
In this role, we are angry and our self-righteous justification comes out. This is the last leg of the triangle.Codependency Test - 9 Codependent Signs
How do we know if we are acting from a place of real love and caring as opposed to unhealthy codependence? We have to look at our motivation. If we are helping out of a desire to get something, or to control the other person in an attempt to get them to act the way we want them to act, then we are acting codependently.
If we are helping with no expectation, then we are coming from a real place of love. This is a healthy place. Upon reflection, it can be really disturbing to realize that just about every action was motivated to manipulate another person.
Thus, we become incapable of true intimacy. This results from never letting others know who we really are. Here they will find temporary fulfillment. In recovery, it is challenging to embrace a new way of being in the world. Here we re-create relationships and make new ones based on our true ethereal self.
7 Signs You May Be Counter-Dependent
As social creatures, everyone is dependent on others to some extent. This is true whether we are an addict or not. We are striving for interdependency rather than codependency.
- The Opposite of CoDependency: Counter-dependency and Love Avoidance
- Day 31 – Codependent vs. Counter-dependent
If we want to be interdependent, we must be very clear about our own desires. We must set boundaries.
In an interdependent relationship, both parties honor the individual and joint desires. Unrelenting in their independence, counter-dependents base their lives on the fact that they are fully self-supporting in all ways. Instead of displaying true autonomy this actually shows a great fear. Due to traumas of the past and patterns of insecure attachments, the counter-dependent has a fear of what consequences could be faced by trusting and loving others.
When the opportunity presents itself to create deep connection, meaning, and emotion with someone else, the counter-dependent will participate in what is called love-avoidance.
Defiant and avoidant, the counter-dependent will find means of staying away from intimate situations or relationships. Especially in a relationship where the other partner is codependent this can lead to a lot of pain and disappointment. Missing out on intimacy from others is a way to protect the counter-dependent from others, but it only contributes to their internal environment of loneliness and true needs that may never be met.
Until they learn to open up and be vulnerable, their cycle will not cease.
Counterdependency - Wikipedia
Overcoming codependency and counter-dependency in relationships is possible, but it takes work. Sometimes it may call for the relationship to end, however, counseling can be of great help.
If each partner agrees to do their part separately as well as together, healing may prevail. If you feel that you are avoiding love and intimate relationships in your life, the Center for Life Change can help you learn to trust. Start by trusting us. Call today for more information.